I feel a little lazy about updating this blog, but the last post was so depressing, it got a little embarrassing. Therefore, I feel the need to cover it up with a new one even though I don’t have much to say this time around.
Since this blog was mostly about my life in Taiwan and my experiences there, I think a good place to start would be a reflection on how long I’ve been back, and what I have or haven’t accomplished since then.
It’s been about four and a half months. I think I really enjoy unemployment, all parts of it, except for the lack of income. It’s amazing how our self-value has become so easily determined by dollars. Think about it. We’re programmed to think less of people who don’t make a lot of money. We accuse them of being lazy, or of not going after their goals, but how do we know? I’ve applied so many places and no one has even offered me an interview. It seems like the pretentious socialite in me is doing most of the criticism, and it’s really hard to shake off these preconceived notions of what I am based on my income.
Yo came to visit for about a month, and it was really wonderful. It was difficult to say goodbye, but I think we both anticipated it, so that softened the blow-but not by much.
After he’s left, I feel a new sense of momentum, to really try and get my shit together long enough to work on my own projects. Time management has always been a weakness of mine, but I feel like I’m fighting tooth and nail to be barely on time for anything I’ve planned for myself. It’s a process I think, and hopefully in the next few months I’ll work harder and quicker, and get used to the schedule I have set out.
In the meantime, the application hustle continues, as it’s been almost five months and zero results. I hustled so hard before Yo arrived, and now that he’s gone and I have time again, it feels so pointless to continue applying. Of course I’ll continue, but part of me just wants to focus all of my energy into working on my own stuff. It’s difficult to make progress when your energy is split seven different ways trying to accomplish seven different goals, and I greatly dislike the feeling of stagnation and “what’s the point of anything anymore”.
Recently, I did discover something interesting. I find that if I’m not so concerned with happiness, I won’t be miserable. A lot of self-help books and gurus will encourage you to find an inner happiness, but this is so boring. If you’re happy, you’re obviously not growing. If you’re not growing, you’re just staying the same, and how does that lead to happiness? It’s such a dumb cycle. People say it’s good to be happy, I guess, as a person in general. But I think it’s good to be whatever you want to be. Obviously, not a genocidal maniac or anything like that. But, for example, if you were a little melancholy, that’d be okay. These days I’m more concerned with meaning, presence, and the impact I have on the people around me, be it positive or negative.
For isn’t that what life is really made up of, a series of interactions, relationships, and moments in time? As time moves on they are more fleeting, more temporary, and the finality of the passage of time is unforgiving and sometimes devastating. This has evolved a bit, as I come to accept the world around me for what it is, and avoid pressuring it to become what I want. Most things that happen these days are simply bittersweet, as change is inevitable, and sometimes drags us screaming down to the next aisle while we desperately reach or try to recreate memories of what life was before.
Don’t romanticize the past. It’s already gone, and you’ve probably forgotten all the bad things that have happened too. Now, the future, that’s where it’s at. That’s where things are still in your control, where things are still bendy and changeable. I find the more I think about the future, the more I can dream up for my future self to do. Sorry, future Millie.
I miss Taiwan, but not as much as I did after the first time I left. I miss Yo more than anything in the world, and all I want to do is marry him and move in together, and go forth into the world united against whatever challenges arise.
These days I’m more concerned with losing weight and staying productive, because if I don’t do these things I feel a significant about of self-contempt at the end of the day. Just hours of shouting at myself, I KNOW I COULD’VE DONE BETTER, AND I’M GOING TO DO BETTER, CONFOUND IT.
This is also tiring. You sleep better at night if you’re tired.
I’m also obsessed with Attack on Titan for no reason in particular. More as a comfort than entertainment, which is weird considering the context of the show. It always helps to escape into another world when you feel overwhelmed in the real one.
Time feels endless and limited all at the same time. I don’t think that makes sense, but it feels like it does. I’m pretty grateful for the people around me, and the overwhelming support of my parents, who I really don’t deserve. I won a genetic lottery, and every night I go to bed I thank God for the family he gave me. I hope that some day, I can do the same for them, not to repay their kindness, but to show that I learned from it.
I should probably go do more things and keep being productive. Today has been pretty good but I’m losing momentum.
Coffee #2 has joined the game.
To those of you who have stuck it out with me this long, thanks for reading this blog. I am always surprised by the responses I get, and that just makes me love them, and by extension, you, so much more.
Happy New Year.