I haven’t been able to sleep. Usually, I’ll be in bed by around midnight, but lay awake until around 4. Around 4, I’ll get angry and try to do breathing exercises. This evolves into prayer, which evolves into remembering every embarrassing thing I ever said or did, along with a potent rumination on the things I should have spent more time on, and the missed opportunities included.
Then, it’s 5:00am, and I can hear the buses start to run. After I listen to that, I’ll wake up barely in time to get ready for work and get there on time.
I don’t know why this recent bout of sleeplessness has hit. I hope it’s temporary, because so far things are going pretty good. My schedule has been light, and I’ve actually been able to draw and practice painting. I’ve been more creative recently than I have in the past year or so, and it’s been great to exercise a lot of the “fresh content” I’ve witnessed. This is an awkward way of saying that I am finally learning how to use experiences to create something meaningful.
I’ve started drawing a little comic about what happens to me when I’m in the classroom. It’s therapeutic. I haven’t decided if I’m going to share it or not, because frankly, my drawing skills are still pretty primitive.
Considering the future and organizing a move home, I start to feel a sense of, I don’t know, maybe I missed out while I was here. I know I’ll never be able to have this schedule again, and I’m definitely taking it for granted. I often feel that I should have traveled more. Going to Japan has been a longtime dream, and I still haven’t made it happen. For some reason, I never made it to Cambodia, Thailand, or Nepal, even though it’s so convenient to travel to those places from here.
Sort of feel like an idiot. I think I spent most of my time working and trying to save money, but as soon as it landed in my account, I had to use it to pay bills. Even still, I’m struggling to save money, and I can’t figure out why. Maybe my income is too inconsistent, so I spend money making up for the times that I don’t have enough.
I watch my friends go shopping, and I watch people spend money recreationally, and it’s so hard for me to imagine myself doing that. I think the only things I spend money on are food, coffee/tea, and laundry. I’m pretty sure the last thing I bought for myself was last August, when I bought a bag in Mongolia. My friend took me to a bar/club that had a cover charge (like 6 bucks) and I cringed inwardly as I handed it over. Gross.
When I see others spend money so freely, I kind of wonder if I’m doing something wrong. It seems like everyone else has this part of their lives figured out except for me. I hate living paycheck-to-paycheck when most of my expenditure is based on need, not want. I just hope some day I can have enough, I think that’s all I want anymore. I don’t even want to be wealthy, I just want enough. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Hell, I’d happily just be at 0 if it means I’m out of debt.
Either way, I’ll be pretty mad at myself if I head back to the States without going to Japan first, and the temptation to charge it on a card is so overwhelming I can already feel the interest adding up.
Other than the sense of “missing out” on doing things while I was here, I feel relatively content in day-to-day life. I’m planning to take Mandarin classes. Even though I’ve improved, I still need help for more complex conversation. Besides, hopefully being well-versed in Chinese can help me find a job.
The fun part of moving. Finding a job.
I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of job hunting. Does anyone else feel this way? Always looking for something better? Wondering if you should sell out or chase your dreams?
It seems like so much trouble to move back I’m tempted to just stay put. I had so much conviction when I decided to move back, but it’s amazing how easily it can be shaken if you talk to others about your plans. Now I feel so shaken and concerned about the challenges in the future, and it’s so easy to feel alone in this world. You can’t help but feel that making a single mistake is fatal.
Perhaps I need to stop thinking about it and focus more on executing it. After Chinese New Year, the hunt for jobs will become more aggressive, and perhaps I should exhaust every connection possible. I feel uncomfortable doing this, but I’m uneasy about re-entering the Game Industry, and it’s been so long since film that I don’t know if people will care anymore.
I think that’s what was so attractive about Games in the first place; I felt welcomed, instead of dismissed. I think my insecurities as a filmmaker reflected on the people I worked with, so I subconsciously made myself feel like they thought I was inadequate.
I hope I have recovered from this egotistical perspective, and can find filmmakers to collaborate with on a higher level. It’s so easy to feel scared, and I have to say I’ve succumbed more than once to fear, taking any other job as a cop-out from facing the difficulty of making it in the industry.
This is only coming up because now the time has come for me to give it a proper go. Now I have to try and make it. The beginning of multitudes of failures is just ahead, and I think I’m just putting it off until I feel strong enough to deal with them.
I’ve realized that you can never be prepared enough for failure. It will hit you harder than you can ever expect, and if you expect it to be bad, it will surpass those expectations and knock you so flat on your ass you won’t know how to stand up again.
So maybe just hope it all works out for the best somehow. That’s all any of us can do, just do our best and hope that we truly reap what we sow.
I’m scared to move back to California. More because of money than anything else, I just realized. I”m glad I realized this. Good talk.