I was planning to do a post in the middle of my trip to the States, but I never made it happen. It was hard to justify being on the computer when my time at home was so limited, and there were so many people to see.
Now that I’m back, it’s hard to feel thoughtful about anything. I’ve set certain goals ands I hope that I can achieve them. The knowledge that I’m moving back next June is encouraging, and is making the rest of my time here bittersweet, but more enjoyable than it has been so far.
To be honest, you dear people, you wonderful souls who still read these blogs and keep up with me-I don’t really know to update you. Life is so surreal these days, and it’s as if I’ve woken up from a long sleep, and I’m finally starting to see things more clearly for what they truly are. Recently all I hope to do is to forget many things about the past, the good, and the bad, and hope to look more to the future. My nature has always ruminated on my past mistakes, embarrassing moments, or foolish interactions, and of course the inevitability of remorse.
After I was diagnosed with permanent illness and my parents split at 15, the shock helped erase much of the life that I used to have. I don’t recall much before 15, and I have never really wanted to. Now that I’m an adult, I can appreciate this, although I often wish to remember the wonderful things about life, and the delights of relationships with others. Now that I’m getting ready to leave Taiwan, I feel as if I’m preparing for another major shock, and feel a sense of loss, that I might lose many of the memories I’ve made here, after I’ve returned to the U.S. and drowned once more in the bubble of news and materialism. Hopefully the good ones will stay with me.
Sitting alone with your own thoughts can be either terrifying, or so boring that you feel concerned you aren’t interested in life anymore. Today I feel like this. Having a day off allows you to stew in the parts of your brain you haven’t visited in a while. I should appreciate it while I have it. There is a lot of work ahead of me and I’m not quite sure how to prepare.
My mind feels at a standstill. I’m easily distracted these days, so I’m trying to focus on certain tasks, like drawing, writing, or recording video so I can still call myself a filmmaker.
Ugh. I don’t know what to say anymore. My mind feels numb and empty.
I think I’m getting sick.
So this is awkward-not a lot to write about. The U.S. was fun, and made me realize how much I miss home, and how much bigger everything seems when you live in a tiny studio for a bit. At this point I feel restless and anxious about moving back, and hopefully being able to create a life for myself again. It’s easy to talk about moving, it’s easy to talk about finding a job, but I don’t think it’ll be as easy as I think it is. Just trying to find a place for myself in L.A. seems intimidating, and I don’t know how to pull it off. I don’t know. Hopefully something will work itself out.
Everyone is asking me which is better, and I don’t really know what to say. Of course home is better. Of course being with the people you love is better than being alone in a distant land. But you are never really alone. Your family is everywhere, you just have to recognize the ones that want to embrace it with you. I’ve made several strong friendships with people since I’ve been here, most notably a bus driver, and a building guard. These are people I only see from time to time, but the way they greeted me always made my day.
The other day a friend asked me what I would miss most about Taiwan. I wish I could have said the food, the weather (hah) or the mountains, but the thing I will miss the most are the small human interactions I would have with people every day. There’s something about not being able to speak the same language that brings out the humanity in a person, and I will miss this the most. Hopefully I will be better skilled at finding these moments when I return to California. Perhaps it was just me who was screwing up before, and I just didn’t notice when people were being kind.
I ugly cried with my dad at the airport. I miss him a lot. I think I know for sure that I definitely want to be around family, wherever I end up living. I also miss my mom, but she’ll be coming for a visit soon, which is exciting. I’ll see her in four days, and I can’t wait to show her my life here, and introduce her to Yo’s parents.
I feel pretty useless right now. I’ll try again later this week when my thoughts are more coherent. Here is a song as an apology.