Every day I wake up and tell myself that I will write a new blog post. Then I get home and pass out because my brain is goo from the day’s lessons.
Somedays I feel like I have too much to share, and other days I feel like there isn’t enough. Often there are things I don’t want to share, purely because I can’t articulate them well enough prevent a whining-like wail.
Life has become a bit monotonous. Normalcy has settled in. While this is a good thing, compared to the previous crises, I feel I’ve reached a level of stagnancy. Now my biggest challenge is waiting for the bus, which recently, has come quite late. Public transportation is awesome, but I do miss driving. Relying on the mood of the bus driver is, to say the least, unreliable.
I can hardly continue writing about this, as I’m about to return home for the first time since I left. It is stressing me out, I’m worried, I can’t sleep, but I’m so excited to be going home, and I can’t help but feel worried I will be somehow disappointed. Many of my coworkers who have been here long term offer words of warning. When they went home, it was strange, they didn’t want to stay, and they couldn’t wait to come back. I don’t really know if I will feel this way, and I don’t want to feel this way.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that life happens wherever you are, and that it all comes down to what you make of it. Life is not better here, nor is it worse. It is impossible to compare two countries together since lifestyles vary so dramatically. Things simply are, and our perspective is what shapes who we are. I feel relieved that I will see my family soon, but I haven’t failed to realize how different of a person I have become.
For me, it is noticeable, but I’m fairly certain no one else will. My choices have changed, priorities have been altered, and a different person is coming back. She who left is dead.
Should I mourn this part of myself? Certainly, there were some days when I longed for my old life, my old habits, and ignorance, but now I know it’s impossible to go back. In those occasions, it is best to turn your face forward and look for the person you will become. And after that, the next person.
It is tragic. But there can be no progress without pain, or critical sacrifice. That is the frustrating part of hardship-while you endure it, you are miserable, but after surviving it, you come out hardened and more prepared to deal with future challenges. Should I be grateful for this hardship? I think so. But should I seek it out? Who knows. Perhaps we are all secretly searching for hardship, to prove to ourselves that we are stronger than we think. I feel like that’s why people burden themselves so, in order to justify our growth, when there is really no need.
No one can say what will happen when I get home, but I know right now I’m really looking forward to it. I regret that Yo can’t come, but he is busy working on a million things. We are really looking forward to the day that we can go to California and Texas together, and he can meet my family. I know my Dad is excited to meet him, as are many of my friends. I will miss him, probably more than I realize, while we’re apart.
To be honest, I don’t really know what else to say. Recently I’ve been so busy and overwhelmed with what’s been going on, it’s been difficult to make time to clean the floor, much less take a moment of quiet reflection to evaluate where I am in life.
The one thing I want to express more potently, but am unable, is the amount of love I feel for my friends and family. It is impossible to describe accurately the severity of the pangs in my heart when I think of them, and the sorrow of missing moments of their lives. People have been so kind to me in the past year, and I always feel ill-equipped to repay them in kind, not because of a debt, but because I also wish to express my love and gratitude. This has been a huge challenge for me, and I find it so difficult to remind the people I love that I need them, I miss them, and think of them regularly.
Sometimes I just don’t know how. Often, my words feel insincere, so I will write a letter or a message, only to delete it, frustrated. Either way, here is a short post for you, those still generous enough to take the time to be interested in my life, when so much in the world is occupying our time and hearts. Know that my soul is grateful to you, because it is the only part of me that has the capacity to carry such immeasurable gratitude.
See you at home, wherever that may lie.