heat – Millie Zandi

Soooooo I lost count of how many times I opened this page to update, and then closed it because I didn’t really know what to say.

Some days I like to humor myself and think that I have gained a lot of knowledge and wisdom about life since I’ve been here, but I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I know nothing.

The effects of social media have made me think that my opinion is more valid than anyone else’s, while simultaneously reminding myself that everyone else thinks their opinion is the best.

Today marks 11 months in Taiwan. I’m not really sure what to make of the experience so far, or what to tell anyone. These days the words flow too freely, and I think I’ve forgotten how to interact with people normally. I fear I have developed a habit of complaining too much, but perhaps it’s just the nature of how I’m feeling recently.

So I’ll just make a list of significant things that have happened since the last update.

I think that will be best.

Since March:

I have moved to a new apartment. Alone. I knew I wanted to live alone for a reason, and I should have never compromised to living with others. I have a tiny little studio a few blocks from Yo’s house. The ordeal of moving out left me poorer, and was difficult to go through. Since then, I have preferred to stay home rather than interact with people.

The AC works like a dream, but the new place has an unfortunate infestation of termites and ants. The ants are mostly gone after I put out some poison, but the termites are still there. My landlady gave me an oil to administer every day, but the smell is strong, and I hate seeing their ugly white squirming bodies in the crack between floor and wall. I suppose they are trying to live, just like everyone else. But they were giving me the heebie-jeebies and making me a little crazy for a bit. Now I’m used to it, so I just dump the oil on them and cover the holes with cardboard. The floor will never stay clean, but the bathroom is newly modernized and it’s my little cozy hole of fun or depression depending on the day.

Two friends have come and gone, both leaving an empty hole of strangeness in my heart. These experiences were mostly pleasant and fun, but left me more confused than ever. I have questions for myself, and I hope that I haven’t changed so much that I can’t re-integrate back home. Which is another story altogether. I might expand on this later, but who knows. Maybe some things are better left unsaid. This has reinforced my reclusive behavior, and I don’t talk to many people from home these days, unless it’s family. Sometimes I think I don’t really know how to talk to people anymore, or whether I can trust that they have my best interests at heart. I suppose this is just a lifetime crusade everyone goes through.

The Taiwan summer has come. The pouring sweat down my neck, the huffing and puffing, the overheating, has also encouraged hermetic behavior. Some days I felt overwhelmed by the amount of heat, and felt like I couldn’t take another step further, as if my body was just going to shut down. Of course, bearing the judgment of the people around me during these episodes made it all humiliating and far worse. I don’t think I’m cut out to survive in this weather, and coping with the summer humidity has been a challenge. A major challenge. Another point to my tiny air conditioned studio where I can sit in my underwear and draw pictures. I know everyone is hot, but why is that guy wearing jeans? How is that girl wearing a hoodie? Why would you go jogging in this weather, are you crazy?

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS LIKE I AM MELTING?

I suppose the people here have had a longer time to get used to it.

I had bronchitis for about a month. The doctors here speak English, but the one I had the misfortune of going to was pushy and stuck things up my nose without warning me. The medication gave me terrible heartburn, so I couldn’t sleep for the week before the arrival of my second guest. I had to do a second regimen of medication after said the aforementioned guest left, which gave me psychotic mood swings and insomnia. During the night I was overwhelmed by a feeling of hopelessness, I killed every ant on my desk by 4 in the morning, scrubbed the toilet, and cried for a little while. This was not fun. I painted some crappy paintings so I guess that’s good. This made me hate the doctor more and refuse to go back even though I still had a cough. Somehow I slept for two hours and went to class, and nearly fell asleep while a student was telling me some story. These were the days I felt like life no longer had a purpose for me, but I was too demotivated to be suicidal.

The cough is better now.

I went on a really epic bike ride in the south of Taiwan with Yo and a visiting friend. It totaled to about 40 miles, and was easily the most challenging thing I’ve done in my life, physically, anyway. We took a train to Hualian, a really beautiful city on the east coast of Taiwan. Then we rented some bikes and made it about a third of the way to Taitung, a city on the southern end of the island.

I have to say, this was super hard, and it was not made any easier by the fact that both of the people I was with were physically more capable than I am, and the sweltering heat almost made me faint several times. The problem is that I really enjoyed it, even though I was at my body’s limit. The first day, we biked through the mountains until around 9 or 10pm at night. This experience was spiritual for me, as I felt a lot of the challenges I faced were parallel to the challenges I’ve felt since I’ve been in Taiwan.

I felt that no matter how hard I was pedaling, I was moving slower, going backwards even. I felt like I wasn’t going very far, though I was exerting maximum energy. Add the feeling of guilt that I was holding back my party, and my coping ability shattered.

By the end of the day, we had gone around 44 kilometers (a little under 30 miles) and I only cried twice.

There were a few moments when we were traveling through the mountains, and I encountered several places of darkness that mirrored the patches of suffering in my mind that I had striven to drive out of memory. I was touched by the beauty of it all, the experience of seeing the mountains and green farmland is an irreplaceable memory to me. The tears came unbidden in moments of physical exertion that I had never reached before. We’d coast down steep hills, and I’d feel the joy of flight, and then just before a hill I would feel enormous dread.

“How would I make it up this one? What will they think? I am dying.”

Down, down, down we went until we were off the mountain, and into a dark road that snaked through the green farmlands. Unfortunately, in the nighttime, they had become a sea of black; skin sticky with sweat, I felt covered in spiderwebs and bugs, and could only see the light of the bike before me. Soon, it vanished, and there was nothing to follow. At a certain point I knew there was nowhere I could return; I could only go forward, or stop and wait in the murky darkness, caught between consciousness and the void, simply waiting for the end to come. I couldn’t tolerate stopping, and I could barely keep moving forward, and there was no way back.

So I stopped anyway and sobbed, and somehow wondered how all of this could continue, how the world could continue, as I felt everything before me was swallowed in darkness. The air was too thick to breathe, and everything was in pain and filthy.

Fortunately Yo was close behind, and stopped with me, giving me some water. I suppose I felt that I was ruining it all for him; ruining everything for my friend; and anything they said couldn’t convince me otherwise. In the midst of this episode, he stopped me, and pointed.

Nearby, there was a little firefly, but it was green. I’d never seen one before, so this was pretty cool, especially since I thought they were gold. I still feel as if I failed to appreciate it as much as it deserved. He tried to remind me that this was not a race; it wasn’t about completing the bike ride, and it was about enjoying the scenery and having a good time. I guess I stopped having a good time when I felt like I was being judged for my physical capability; maybe not from him or my friend, but internally.

I’m glad I experienced this, but it didn’t really change the disappointment when I nearly fainted the next day.

We had started biking during the hottest part of the day, simply because we didn’t have a lot of time and needed to return the bikes in a timely manner. After about an hour or two, I nearly fainted, and while we were resting, it was decided that we would take a train the rest of the way. I have my own thoughts on this, but I think I don’t want to discuss this anymore. It’s taking too long anyway.

I’ve been painting more. Actually, I’ve been learning how much I suck at painting, and wondering how it was that I forgot everything I learned. These days I feel like the life before Taiwan was mysterious and far away, and how was I so stupid? How little did I know about life? How little do I still know about life?

A lady yelled obscenities at me in Chinese while I was getting some bubble tea. This was weird. It happened during the psychotic/medication/insomnia phase. At the time, it affected me far more than I wanted to allow it, but now it’s just funny.

My mom is helping me with my student loan repayments. She’s an awesome lady. This has relieved a lot of stress for me in the past few months. All that needs to be known is that she’s really cool and the best mom ever. I am quite grateful, especially since one of the schools I work for didn’t pay me for two months.

This has been resolved.

At this point, in July, I think balance has mostly been restored. I feel motivated again; I’m drawing more and started writing a book. I’m going to be working on a screenplay in the next few days, and our trip to Mongolia is coming up. I can appreciate my free time more, and I’ve learned how I can work best. In coffee shops. Because the cost of electricity goes up and AC becomes expensive.

I suppose now it’s time to discuss my plans of return, but maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, or next week. I will try to update more frequently, not just for your sake (if anyone is still reading this), but just for the sake of my own recollections. It is easy to forget what’s happened since I’ve been here, and some of it shouldn’t be forgotten, no matter how much I want it to be.

Here’s a photo from Jiufen. I’ve been reprimanded for putting too many noodles, so maybe some scenery is a good change of pace.