***Insert obligatory comment about delayed update here***
So life has been typically and upsettingly busy. When I stop to think about it, time is going slow, but then I look back and realize the weeks have slipped by quicker than I could count.
What, is it already March? I still feel like we’re in January.
Sometimes I feel like time can’t go by fast enough; those are the days when people stare more, when students don’t show up to class, and my boss replies to my request for time off with, “I’ll think about it.”
Other times I feel like it’s going by too fast, as I’ve accomplished very little of what I’ve set out to do while I’ve been here. Life here has improved significantly from before, but recently I’ve started to feel that the only light in my life is Yo. I feel like he’s all I have to look forward to at the end of the day; and I fear it’s made me overly clingy. He is graceful and takes it with patience, but I can’t help but feel like my habits are bordering on extreme.
On a happy note, I’ve been able to work on some painting, which I’d put off for a while. I’ve done zero writing and played a lot of WoW, but I guess this it what it means to be demotivated; at the end of a day of humoring students and struggling to ignore the old dude in the bus who won’t stop staring, sometimes it’s nice to pretend I’m a blood elf, super sexy, and can take down rare elites with my pet tiger(s).
Slowly I feel the layers of lies that I’ve told myself peeling away, and it feels like thick skins that have caked up over the past few years after the let-down of my thesis. For those of you who don’t know, I made a thesis film, got heavily into debt, acquired a permanent cough, and didn’t get to submit it to festivals. I think this has been a huge chip on my shoulder (the story is longer, but that’s basically it) because I often feel my success as a filmmaker shriveled up then and there, on the floor of my bedroom, Facetiming with my sister while I cried for two hours.
I suppose this is the result of making excuses for yourself. Truly the hardest part of the Fast (which has started for Baha’is) is not the hunger or the thirst, but the unravelling of compost that has surrounded you all year long. These days I wonder where my path will truly lead me, because my plans seem to fall apart because of my laziness and lack of discipline due to demotivation. I never thought this was a problem I would encounter. I assumed I would be spiritually free to grow in a positive way, flying through the mountains and making art in a great way, but now I feel like I’m stuck, or going backwards.
Some days I wish I could be the lady making and selling dumplings in the restaurant I sometimes go to for lunch. I wish I was smart enough to remain content with a simple life, and smart enough not to be deluded by ideas of making a change in this world. I even wish I could be content teaching English and running around Taipei like a dog, obedient to the bidding of my Visa-sponsoring masters.
I suppose some days I really feel that way, but then I think myself into a circle because I know this would not give me contentment, this would never bring me happiness, and I would spend the rest of forever wondering why I gave up.
Recently, the homesickness enters my heart with a fury, and I can’t help but dream of home. I can’t help but wonder how the day is starting at Obsidian, my old job, or all the things I could have achieved if I just stayed home and worked on my own stuff full time. Could it even be possible? Do I have the discipline? I can barely do it now, but I suppose I have the excuse of two jobs?
Even still I feel like that is no excuse, but I suppose it’s a matter of perspective. I feel guilty when I relax. I feel often that I’m not working hard enough, and I feel like I’m right in thinking that way, even though people around me tell me to chill out. Some days I want to go on Facebook and exclaim my displeasure toward aspects of life and my own dumb choices, but then I realize how useless that would be. Some days I just want to scream in the quiet silence of the MRT when people are so focused on their phones they can’t see two steps ahead of themselves just to see if they notice. I want to affect everyone around me all at once but I have to make sure they are listening and I feel this need like I need to breathe and like I need to shiver, so maybe that’s why I can’t let the film thing go.
I think being in an environment where there is nothing familiar is distressing and inspiring in a terribly wonderful way.
Uh, maybe I’m lying again. Maybe it’s so awful in my mind and I’m pretending that it’s good too as not to appear narrow-minded. It’s funny that I care so much how I am perceived here. Perhaps it’s because I feel like someone is always watching, or taking a picture sneakily when they think I’m not paying attention.
Some days I don’t really know. If I hadn’t come here, I wouldn’t have received the treasure in my life that is Yo. I feel he makes it all worth it.
But I still have to consider, what person have I become, and can I offer this person to him? What happens when we take that part of my life away? Do I feel successful, or well-adjusted, or following a plan that I am disciplined enough to follow? Not so much.
There is a sense of freedom that we all have, that we ignore. We ignore it because the freedom of too much choice puts too much pressure on us to make that choice. It’s too scary. We have the freedom to live where we want, and work where we can find it, and save money for certain things or throw it all away on temporary gratification. We can do whatever we want, and it’s terrifying. Too many options. Like the menu at the Cheesecake Factory. Too many options makes you feel like the chances of choosing the wrong one are higher.
To me, it’s like playing in an open-world game for the first time, and having no idea where to begin the true storyline. Is this just a side story, or is it relevant to the main story? Am I missing something? The fear and lack of guidance is so terrifying but a little exciting.
I think right now I’m in the “fear and lack of guidance” part. I think I’ve lost the true storyline, and I got stuck on a side quest, and I’m just wandering around trying to figure it out while the bad guy destroys the rest of the world.
Everyone else seems to have figured it out to some degree.
But I said I’d stay for a year, so here I am, still plodding on. I’ll be here for at least a year, and time has vanished. Don’t ask me what I’ve accomplished yet, now’s not a good time, but maybe I’ll have something better for you next time around.
I guess it’s almost been 7 months? It sort of feels like…much shorter.
I wish I could turn off my thinking for a little while and sleep better so I don’t get emotional and stay up until 4:30am writing overly dramatic blog posts.
I don’t have a noodle photo (sorry) but here is a link to the photos I took while taking a Chinese New Year holiday with Yo and his family. The pictures are happy! 🙂
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10203872479162021.1073741840.1522080811&type=1&l=a2fce3e2a0
But there is a funny picture since this was such a weird post.
