I said to myself, “The next post I write will be from my new desk in my new apartment. That way I will show everyone what I have accomplished!” Ha Ha Ha.
Words are delicious. I’ve gotten used to eating them.
I just moved in a few weeeks ago, and having an apartment is great! But guys, I am learning how expensive it is to live on your own, how suddenly the price tag spikes when you are filling an empty apartment. My god, I’m learning so much about responsibility. Yay!
So here I am, sitting at a desk bought from Ikea, wrapped in a blanket bought from a Japanese version of Ikea, and wondering where to start. Much has changed and happened in the past few months, it’s difficult to process.
Now I’m lying. I’ve been trying to write this entry for several days, but the words just haven’t come to me. Right now I’m sitting at a coffee shop across the street, wondering what to say after so long. Hopefully I won’t chicken out and just post it tonight, instead of saying “tomorrow, tomorrow…?”
Despite the amount of updates I might have to go over, I think it’s time to address a significant change in my life that was a blessed side effect of my move to Taiwan.
I think I should finally talk about this guy:
To those of you who don’t know him, this is Yo. My boyfriend. Boyfriend is a crude and silly word, but I guess it works.
Some of you know who he is, because I might have mentioned an epic romance I had the fortune to experience the first time I came to Taiwan. We met on a student exchange program in 2011, and have been in and out of touch for several years. I returned to Taiwan in 2012 to spend time with him, and evaluate moving to Taiwan. I failed that time around, due to cowardice and potent financial weakness. As the years passed, we didn’t even try to have a long distance relationship (too hard), but I must say the distance between us did nothing to the way I felt about him. I didn’t know this until I saw him again.
Some of you might be surprised by this, but I hope you will have patience to read the rest of the post and understand the impact he has had on me.
When I came back to Taiwan, I had no intention of rekindling old feelings or interactions. I simply hoped to work and do my own projects in the meantime, but life has a funny way of changing your plans for you.
Yo picked me up at the airport, and subsequently spent the following weeks helping me find work and look for apartments. He supported me through some of the darkest parts of my life, as described in the previous post, and I’m not sure what would have happened to my mental state if he hadn’t been around. I often feel I would have either gone crazy, or gone back to California. As time wore on, I realized I still loved him.
I stayed in his room at his parents’ home for nearly 4 months while he slept on a mattress in their room. His family took me in graciously, treating me like their own daughter. I easily saw where his generous and selfless nature came from-his mother would put out breakfast for me in the morning, and her loving nature so quickly filled in the emptiness of missing my family. His father is supportive of my ambitions, and has even fueled my ideas, offering me a desk in his office and a contact to print my own business cards. They have given me so much in only four months, and I don’t think I have the capacity to repay them. I have never felt so humbled by the kindness of others, and I am almost ashamed by my thinking of it as a debt needing repayment. This is so difficult to express, and I feel like even these words don’t do it justice. Their silent dignity and love is incredibly priceless, and has truly added something wonderful and positive to my life. It’s impossible to include their many simple and great kindnesses in a blog post.
I’ve had many tears since I’ve been in Taiwan, but not all of them have been of despair. Their smallest acts of compassion often moved me to tears, and I usually had to run away to prevent my embarrassment. I have felt such sweetness from him and his family, I can’t think or speak of it without weeping.
Some days, some bad days, I feel like I have gained nothing by coming to Taiwan. Even on these days, I remember Yo and his parents, and the incredible relationship I have developed with them. I feel if I leave Taiwan having accomplished none of my original goals, that will be okay because of the treasure I have found here.
I am so in love with Yo, I can’t breathe sometimes. I certainly thought I would love someone, but not to this extent, not to this severity. Every time he calls me, I drop everything. When we meet in the street, I have to run those last few steps because I can’t look at him without being close to him. Every time he says, “I love you”, or “I love you too”, my heart flutters and I feel weightless. I can’t believe that I forgot how much he means to me, and I can’t believe I let him go twice already by leaving Taiwan.
When I moved out of his house, I realized I wouldn’t see him every day anymore. He was there in the mornings, and there at night before bed, and all this was changing. After learning this, the first few days in my new place were so gloomy, you’d think I’d gone back to California. He’s only a thirty-minute walk from my apartment. Fifteen by bus, and five by taxi. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. The pain was so real, and missing him was depressing, but also exhilarating.
I can’t really live my life without him.
It’s impossible to know what the future holds for us, and about my time in Taiwan. The length of time I have spent here has increased, due to the nature of my contract with work and my apartment, but it’s only by a few months. As of right now, I can’t really speak about future plans, because I have no idea what they are. The only things I know are this:
1. I will never be separated from Yo for a long time again. (willingly)
2. I will come back to California.
3. We gotta figure out how to make these things work.
I must say, it’s been interesting transitioning from single life to having another person to consider. I must get used to saying “we” instead of “I”, and while unusual, is so comforting. So far, he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Certainly, this doesn’t lessen the value of anything else that has happened, but he has surpassed all of my highest expectations in ways I never thought possible. He surprises me every day by something he does or says, and it’s so natural for him, while I froth at the mouth in excitement.
I’m sure this all sounds super cheesy and lame to many of you, but I don’t really care. Make fun of me if you want. I have found a beauty in him that I never knew, and I can’t wait to bring him home and show you. When you meet him, you’ll know that I’m not so crazy, and that it’s not just love speaking.
I have more to talk about, but I’ll save that for another entry, which will come sooner than two months.
(I promise.)
Obligatory noodles and wontons in spicy sauce:
