Okay, okay…I’m pretty embarrassed.
My last post was on September 11, almost exactly a month ago. I sat down to write a few times, but was hindered by some difficulties that I have encountered in the past few weeks. The weeks, however, have been blowing by faster than I can keep track of, and my perception of time is so distorted I feel like I’ve only been here a few days.
My last day at the high school was Wednesday. The previous week was fraught with a lot of unreasonable tribulation and tears, not to mention nightmares that triggered breakdowns of large proportions.
I know, I know, it’s all really uncomfortable to read about, and it’s uncomfortable for me to talk about, but why not? Several times in the past few weeks I angrily thought to myself, “Everyone says go abroad, go learn new things, go meet new people and live in a new place, but no one ever talks about THIS!” By “This” I mean the absurd amount of tears coming out of my face, that would spontaneously attack me like an acne flare.
I truly thought the worst part of my time here had passed, but I was pretty stinkin’ wrong. The high school gig ended up draining me of every bit of hope I had. But wait, listen; the reason for this is much more complicated. I love my students, the school administration was great, and my coworker was helpful and kind. Waking up early wasn’t a big deal, and even though the travel time there was a bit longer, it was manageable. On paper, everything was great.
But the Tuesday evening before, the night before, and the morning of-were all a nightmare. I would go to bed, trying to encourage myself with positive thoughts, but dark feelings of fear and anxiety crept over me. The food I ate turned to worms in my stomach, my heart rate increased, and I felt like I was going to faint. The anxiety level that came with going to this school was unbearable, and it brought about a darkness in my mind that I couldn’t turn off. I sat down to write about it several weeks ago, but all the words that came out were nonsense, and didn’t make any sense. Tears would flow at the smallest suggestion. This frog reminds me of my sister….*cry*…This coffee reminds me of my parents…*cry*….this bar reminds me of my friends….*cry*…the little rabbit on the side of the fruit-
You get the idea.
One night I went to bed particularly early, trying to go to sleep before the anxiety could grip me. It visited me in the form of a nightmare, and I woke up in a terrible state. The next day at the school was all a daze, and the usual feeling of success that came afterward failed to arrive. I sat quietly in a park on my way home, and thought about my options. I spoke to my boss the next day about a replacement teacher. The amount of relief I felt was significant. I knew it wasn’t going to solve every emotional problem I’ve been having, but it certainly took a large weigh off my shoulders. I felt I could laugh without fear, enjoy my time in Taiwan, and not be afraid of the job I had signed up for.
Ugh, just talking about it darkens my mood. I often wonder if I was projecting my problems onto the high school, and blaming the task for my sorrows. After quitting, I know now that it’s just the difficulties of being a teacher.
I suddenly feel the need to write e-mails to all of my high school teachers.
For the sake of my mental health I decided it was best to quit the high school. I had held on for a little over a month, and tried to deny myself the luxury of quitting, but I failed. I wasn’t able to hold on, and I’ve decided it’s not for me. No more classrooms; no more rooms of students to discipline; no more lesson plans.
At times I felt a bit disappointed in myself, like “What was I thinking? The students love me, the pay is great, what’s the problem?” The problem is that when I slowly awoke in the mornings, and started to get ready for the high school, my heart beat increased. My body felt weak, my insides felt writhing snakes. I tried to vomit but nothing came out. Standing on the train, I though I was going to fall over from the amount of pressure. When it was over, I began to dread the following Wednesday. As the day neared, the fear gathered, and exploded into a feeling of immense hopelessness, easy to drown in and difficult to escape.
Yes, it was time to move on from the high school. My students were sad when I told them, and my shame was great when I spoke to the administration and my fellow teacher. But no shame was greater than the darkness clouding my mind, and I would have taken any measures to be rid of it.
Yesterday I was overjoyed, but today I feel only a small sense of relief. Now, I fear the future. The darkness I had encountered was great, so great that even the faithful words of prayer I uttered seemed to quiver and fail. I can’t imagine feeling worse than I have in the past few weeks. The thought of it is mentally crippling, and thoughts of escape back to California float in my mind until I remember that it will solve nothing. The despair will follow in my mind, and now is the time to test my quality and resourcefulness.
Unfortunately, this thing has swallowed much of my inspiration and goals for the future. I feel like I’m trying to walk with two broken feet, and I’m hungry for motivational quotes and sayings. On the other hand, my Work Permit and Visa have been cleared and looked after, so this is no longer a worry of mine. The only problem is that it cost a month’s worth of rent that I was saving for when I found an apartment. Bummer.
In Taiwan, you only get paid once a month, and the next payday is in ten days. I hope that I will have something lined up by then, because, I don’t know if you know, it SUCKS to live out of a suitcase(s). So now I’ve explained myself properly and explained the unmentionable troubles of moving abroad, I think it’s time to discuss happier things.
I only include this photo because I found it walking to a tutoring session. I saw it randomly on the street, and somehow it was exactly what I needed to hear. Or read, whatever. The recent troubles have left me thoughtful, reflecting on my choices and whether they are productive or not. Some days I feel like the poorest English teacher in Taiwan, and other days I feel like things are going great.
Often, it’s hard to allow myself to have a good time. I feel like I need to be constantly working, constantly searching for an apartment and constantly thinking of ideas for films and art. The problem is I feel like I keep making excuses for myself; one of the rules I try to follow is to be able to work anywhere. For some reason I can’t seem to overcome this obstacle, but every day I wake up and try, and every day I wake up and hope that the day will be different somehow. I have to master my worries every day, fighting an internal battle and ebbs and flows unpredictably.
For example, right now, I feel like I have nothing interesting to report on. I like the students I work with, and work is much better now that I don’t need to worry about that high school, but I feel at a loss for what to do in my free time. Obviously there’s a million personal tasks and things I can work on, but those are not the most pressing, and are somewhat on hold due to the lack of living space. So for right now, I just take pictures and video, and try not to let the demons overcome me.
I often travel in my mind to other situations or scenarios of peace and calm, places where I can find some sort of solution for the current problems I’m facing. I don’t encourage this practice, because I do it unconsciously, but it is somewhat of a vacation for an exhausted mind. At some point, though, you have to come back from the vacation, and face the overwhelming obstacles in your path.
It has been raining quite heavily the past few days, and this has been really wonderful. Laying awake in bed, hearing the rain in the darkness is a soothing balm for many of the hurts faced.
I think this post has been a lot more depressing than I intended, but I want to be as honest as I can. The usual practice of putting on a happy face and going through life doesn’t seem to work right now, and I won’t insult your intelligence by doing so. I look forward to better times in my life, but I think I must remind myself that the reason I came to Taiwan was to challenge myself, and in turn, suffer a little. Here I am, fulfilling that purpose, and I have to try to be happy about that. I also want to share happier times with you and your life, and I often find myself walking beside my friends in visions of my mind. Though these images are brief, and only illusions, the sweetness of the memory gives me joy and hope.
Well, perhaps this is why it took so long to post, maybe I was waiting for some improvement to happen and I could share something different with you instead of the darkness in my heart. Even now I hesitate to publish this post, but I feel that this would be cowardly.
Here’s some noodles to take the edge off:
